bliss

...

2004-12-08T07:10:19Z

well, its been half a year since i last wrote in this thing... and for some reason i wanna write in it. but im not gonna write whats happened in the last 6 months cos its very interesting anyway.

ive been doing work experience this week and its been excellent. the food is mostly all done buffet style so its all very relaxed in the kitchen, the people are nice there too which is a plus. ive been doing mostly prep work but today i helped out doing quite a few desserts. i made jam drops, apple crumble, apple strudel, decorated a few pavlovas, done quite a few fruit platters as well and its all been good. the first day i sliced up 24kg of chiken leg fillets and 20kg of squid tubes and by the end of the day i almost had a huge blister from my knife and my wrist felt incredibly sore. itd be heaps good if i could find a job like that somewhere. they dont need anyone really at the moment, except theres this guy who no one really likes, and the only reason why he was hired was because there was no one else. he hardly speaks either and hes got these creepy eyes and you never know where hes looking. hes been working there for 3 weeks now and apparently he still asks what else needs to be done. but all the other people are pretty good. mark, the guy on desserts said i might be able to get some paid work by doing kitchen hand duties which wouldnt be too bad, but it takes 2 buses to get there which is a bit of a pain in the butt.

i have to look for 10 jobs a fortnight for centrelink so i rang up this number in the newspaper and i said i was ringing up about the ad and woman just goes, the position has been filled and hung up which i thought was pretty rude. and i really cant be bothered ringing up this other place, plus its up in the hills and id have to catch 2 buses there too cos i havent got a car. and i cant get a car til i have a job. *yawn* its only 5:30 in the afternoon and im heaps tired. and i have to clean my room and hang stuff on the line but its raining outside, we have an inspection tomorrow. :S

i got an invition from alice yesterday, i was invited to her engagement party... should be interesting.

hmmm...

i hate making phone calls...

and im gonna go now and try and do stuff without falling asleep. bye

Well...

2004-05-10T12:45:02Z

So much has happened since i last wrote in here, but thats cos everythings been great and im so much happier and relaxed now that theres no dad in the picture. i still get emails from him that all say the same thing...

Dear Carmen and Girls,

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you all.
We have had many problems over the years and taken some bad advice.
We have had some good times as well.
I hope that I can make it up to you all.
Please give me the opportunity.

I miss you all and I would like to know that you are well.
Please can you email, talk, meet or attend mediation.

I am attending an IT course for two afternoons a week
over the next five weeks.

I grieve for contact with you all and hope that you are well.

Best Regards, a lonely husband and father.

Well, if he hadnt been such a FUCKING ASSHOLE he wouldnt be the sad, lonely, little depressed john that he is... i hope he suffers for the rest of his life cos of what hes done in the past, serves him right... its that whole karma thing...

anyway...

ive started my course and im lovin it. the lectures are heaps nice although some of them are heaps old and babble shit that has nothing to do with what were doing so that makes it heaps boring but then you get the really good ones and that makes it all worth while. we even get to go on an excursion to the market... cheese topic...

so far weve done food prep, stocks soups and sauces and now were doing some theory stuff on communication sorta topics where you just have group discussions for the whole lesson.

i went to the P!NK concert about a week ago. it was bloody AMAZING!!! she did the lady marmelade(sp?) song and got blow up dolls of the rest of the girls and her and the dancers were running around the stage going nuts with them and she did this big pay out to christina agulera, it was awesome. I got a tour t-shirt as well.

lalala

lily (my kitty kat) is as gorgeous as ever. i bought a throw-away camera today and have nearly wasted the whole lot on her already, which would make it the 3rd or 4th wasted camera on her. but she deserves it. helen mums friend lent us her phone camera and i got pics of lily on my phone now and shes on my phones wallpaper so ive decided to myself a phone camera, i just have to save a bit first.

jade little sparrow osca died about a week ago too, actually it was the same day as pinks concert. so we picked him up from the old neighbours house as well as jasper (budgie) and now he lives on the fridge happily tweeting away and greets you when you come through the door. hes so happy now, although this morning he fell of his perch about three times which isnt very good. but at least hes here now and hes happy again... thats the main thing.

well its time to go and sleeeeeeeeepppp now... bye *waves*

2 weeks...

2004-03-29T12:28:12Z

as of tomorrow theres only 2 weeks til i start my course. i still havent got my uniform yet, or knives or anything. and im kinda freaked out about, but hopefully it wont be to bad. apparently my dads doing a course at the same TAFE im going to, and i really dont wanna bump into him. i got an email from him yesterday and hes made up in his head that there was some kind of "father and daughter relationship" when there has never even been one. and now he wants to try and "rebuild" one. he says hes going to all these different doctors and therapists that it seems hes going over board. and he doesnt seem to be suffering to badly cos hes doing so many different things to keep himself. compared to nothing when we were there, its really sad that we had to leave for him to actually get off his ass. but that doesnt really matter now anyway.

we had a BBQ yesterday, kinda crap day to have one cos it rained all evening. thats not a bad thing, its just not very BBQ weather. margie and her hub came over and so did miranda, andy and alex. it was good company and all, the cat was lapping up all the attention, then she got in one of her feral moods and started attacking hands. she also has this obsession with drains, cos she can hear the water in them. after everyone had eatten and were chatting away in the lounge i took her to the back screen door and we watched the rain for awhile, the first time shes seen rain properly, spitting doesnt count really, and this time it was really pouring and she curled up on my arm and watched... just watching it made me think of last year, and all the times me and zali ran through the rain getting drenched and being happy and now that schools finished forever, ill miss it.

*yawn*

kittys just jumped on my lap, shes big enough now so she doesnt have to claw her way up she can just jump up, which is much nicer.

anyway im gonna go now... night.

ladida...

2004-03-24T08:35:25Z

well, we've finally moved into our new house. its pretty nice, i have my own room for the first time in my 17 years of existence. i have a whole of 3 pieces of furniture in my room, a bed, a set of drawers and a filing cabinet. its quite empty at the moment, its a bit hollow too cos of the floor boards and i dont have a rug yet.

we got the computer today, jade just set it up a while ago. my grandparents bought it for us, its not brand new but its still pretty good for a second hand one. my oma has been having a great time buying stuff for our new house, she practically gave us part of her pantry goods, (she has enough in her pantry to feed a whole army!) she actually given us all the furniture we have except for the few that belonged to me and jade from when we lived with dad. he still sends us emails and theyre all about him. im doing this and im doing that, nothing about us. all very self centred. jazzys sorta sided with him too, she hasnt been here for over 3 years and thinks that we're being "unreasonable" cos we took all the "good furniture" which didnt include any white goods which we've had to buy, we didnt take the kitchen table or chairs and we still dont have a proper place to sit at for eatting, we didnt have a desk/table to work at until we bought one of those too. we took the 2 vcrs and the dvd player because mum is paying for them and therefore are rightfully hers.

anyway, we went to a furniture shop today, it was so much fun! we tried out every third couch and marvelled at the showroom designs. mum and i decided we're gonna get a rout(sp?) iron table with a glass flattop and matching chairs. plus hopefully a matching coffee table. they had this whole ancient greek/egyptian setting which i totally fell in love with, so did mum. we saw this egyptian clock that she now wants to get which probably wont be any less that $300 but i cant be for sure cos it didnt have a price tag on it but it was pretty big. specking of furniture, my dad has this old desk which i think is mahogany, the really nice dark wood and its the type that has a lid you can pull over the desk, like bread boxes they make now days, and we're gonna take that next time cos he doesnt use it, its just became another shelf like everything else of his so its not like hed miss it. so thats my next target to take from the house.

well, thats all for now, although i now have another song thats one of my favourites, its a slow one that you might of heard of, so here it is... and i just found out its on the donnie darko soundtrack... seeya

Gary Jules-Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best Ive ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very.
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best Ive ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very.
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world

Mad World

start over

2004-03-15T12:33:21Z

its the 2 month anniversary of being without a dad today. its been a bit of a struggle i guess. we're moving into a house on thursday, just me mum and jade. i get my own room which is good. we dont have a lot of stuff, we've just bought a washing machine and we have to buy a fridge too. we also have to buy crockery and all the stuff cos we dont have anything. on saturday we emptyed the house of all the things that belonged to mum that was given to her from her parents, a bed each, a sofa bed, a stereo and a buffet unit thing with some drawers and my filing cabnit. no kitchen table, no chairs, no desks, no computer and also no phone for the new place as yet.

yesterday i get this phone call at 7:30 in the morning. its my big sis, the one who doesnt think anything is wrong with dad and that she knows all, anyway she rings me up on a SUNDAY morning... (grrrrr...) and informs me that dad has tripped over shit we left all over the laundry floor and that hes got a few stiches on his face and broke a rib or 2. blah blah blah, we met the neighbout that night cos we went out for dinner and miranda told us that dad had got them to sign 3 copies of his new will and that he hurt his head by slipping on bird seed. Firstly you dont slip on budgie seed cos theyre so small you only crush them and it wasnt like the floor was covered in bird seed it was the mess from the birds in the first place which is only empty seed shells, and secondly he tells jasmine one thing and tells miranda another and theres a bit of a hole in his story...

i am confused... confused about how he does what he does, doesnt care about anyone but himself, never does anything for anyone unless he somehow benefits from it and yet he doesnt understand why we dont want to talk to him or see him. and it actually hurts... all i ever wanted from him was for him to be a dad, and he couldnt be that person for me. he just played me like a player in his life game and used be to boost his ego, and when i wasnt the best it wasnt good enough for him. i became a waste of time and a disappointment. well that doesnt matter anymore... people move on and they change, which is something hes gotta learn to do. even now hes convinced jasmine hes not the loser he is and she believes hes a "changed" person. now hes got jasmine trying to get me to go to lunch with him and her for his 51st birthday because i havent written any hate mail to him like jade has so he thinks theres still a chance that ill give him a chance, when there is no way in hell. so hes got jasmine on his side, jade is totally against him and me, well im in the middle according to him when really im as far away from him as possible.

well ive been sitting here for the past hour or 2... and im done... and ill have a new place to live in on thursday and probably won t be on the net for a while cos we dont have a computer so later...

first entry....

2004-02-22T12:21:23Z

dear zali,

ive decided to write this entry for you cos you wanted me to write something, so here it is...

im not really very sure what to write... i mean theres stuff that i want to write down, but... i dunno... everything i used to write before was always about my dad so i have to think of other stuff to write on here.

ill give you an update on him anyway. at the moment he claims to be going to detox or rehab, mums been clearing out the house a bit, got the tv, dvd player, vcrs, and some other bits and pieces... weve also found a place to rent in wayville so its close to where we were before. its a one minute walk from the showgrounds it looks like a really nice place. it has a lock up garage thats like a rumpus room so that can be me and jades hang out room. but i cant say i dont miss my real home. i do... and i miss jaspie... i havent seen him for almost a month... as well as felix, cleo, and scarlet the cockatiels... i aslo miss my wall, with all the tiger pics on it and the one you painted me 2 years ago... thats still up there. :) anyway, we cant get the new place til march 17, we have to wait for it cos its our mirandas (neighbour) dads house that he rents out. theirs a family in there at the moment and theyre moving back to scotland and they dont leave til then.

anyway, i finished my job at the german club today, the day i work with nick, but there is a chance the new people will call me in. i dunno if thats a good thing, i havent decided yet. but i have decided that im shit scared about the course that im gonna be doing. i have no idea what to expect, i dont know what ive gotten myself into and i am totally not looking forward to it. id much rather be going to school cos i know what id be doing and i would have to worry about anthing. kinda like a safe zone... i dunno, i guess im just very self-aware. i have this real problem with caring about what people think of me when i really shouldnt let it bother me. but it does... and i hate, but thats the way it is...

on the way home tonight i was looking at the wetland they have on the corner of flagstaff hill rd and main south rd and how we went to the wetlands for biology in yr 11 and then how last year we bludged a couple of lessons so we could hang out on the lawn... and i thought about it heaps, and i really miss. we dont get to hang out like we use too, and i miss you as well.

anyway, i think ive said what i wanted to say... so i guess ill seeya round, and by the way, ioanas going ice-skating friday with geo and she asked me to come along and she wants to get the group going as well so you wanna come too? well, see ya later.

Nita